moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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