and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
