i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
