I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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