I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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