I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
