yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
