everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
