my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
