I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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