Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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