Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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