Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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