just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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