the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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