it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize