i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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