He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
