Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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