So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
