I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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