i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
