he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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