For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
