I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
