I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can you bring me the toilet please
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
