Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
