wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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