Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
