She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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