between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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