Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
