Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
