just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
