remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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