First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
