So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
