Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What drink are we having for lunch?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
