A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
