I'm sorry my penis didn't work
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
