I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
