So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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