If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
