No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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