You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
