yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
