my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
