I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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