the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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