I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
