People in love make me want to vomit
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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