When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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