I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
