All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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