If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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