so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
