I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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