It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
