btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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