Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
