Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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